She noticed that the seat cushion was torn just the slightest bit on the right hand side of the chair and she picked at it, flicking the bits of foam onto the glossy floor. Anything to occupy her mind while she waited. Shoes clacked in this distance with military precision against the linoleum and various beeps heralded announcements from an unseen voice that sounded agitated, likely from overwork.
“How long was this going to take?” she wondered as she crossed and re-crossed her legs, shaking her foot so hard that her heel almost fell off.
The noise of the shoes from down the hall suddenly got louder and she looked to her left to see the doctor approaching with swift strides. His head was lowered, apparently studying her chart, and he flipped back each page with such conviction she wondered if he was really looking at the diagnostics, or just trying to convince himself they were accurate. She planted her feet firmly on the floor and didn’t rise when he approached, sitting instead with a stoic dread that she pretended was courage.
“I have the results from your test,” the doctor said, still not raising his eyes to meet hers.
“I’m…I’m ready doctor. I th…I think I’m ready,” the woman said, clearing her voice and straightening against the steel back of the chair.
“I’m afraid it’s not good news. Now, I need you to remain calm and understand that there are options here. This isn’t the end and…”
“Just give it to me straight doc! Is it…”
“Yes…you’re allergic to rain water. If it touches your skin…you’ll die.”
This above scenario, had it happened to you… is the only…the ONLY… justifiable excuse for your FUCKING HUGE UMBRELLA!
Otherwise, leave it in your golf bag or in your fucking patio table. Stick it back in the beach where you found it or return it back to the goddamn Mary Poppins museum where you stole it. But DON’T walk down a busy street with it propped on your shoulder like you’re strolling through a fucking meadow picking daisies. You’re in Manhattan, and most of us are armed.
What goes through your mind when you are leaving your apartment in the morning? What forecast are you watching that predicts such biblical rain? Are you also gathering animals two by fucking two? Maybe you feel that if enough of you band together with your giant umbrellas, you will effectively create some sort of nylon roof that will block out the elements all together. Maybe your clothes are made of tissue paper. Maybe you need the giant umbrella to cover your giant apocapurse. I really have no idea.
Maybe it stemmed from “Singin’ in the Rain”, a classic movie made in the 1950’s and starring Gene Kelly in the famous scene where he clomps around in rain puddles, swinging his giant umbrella around like a dance partner as he (Spoiler Alert!) sings in the rain. This movie is like porn to giant umbrella people. It’s like some inflammatory propaganda video meant to brainwash a massive army of people. It’s the umbrella version of “The Manchurian Candidate” where the raindrops trigger some impulse to clutch a giant apparatus and barrel through otherwise innocent people just trying to walk down the sidewalk.
Fuck you Gene Kelly. Here’s you in 2010 New York City:
“I’m SINNNGGGIIINNNN’ in the ra….”
“What the fuck are you doin?”
“Oh, hello sir. I was just sinnggggiiinnn’ in th…”
“Yeah, yeah. I heard that part. I’m askin just wat da fuck do ya think you’re doin pal?”
“I’m very happy and I was expressing myself through song and dance while twirling my giant umbrella.”
“Yous got about tree seconds to get the fuck outta ‘ere with that giant umbrella of yours before I give you sumtin to sing about.”
“Well, I’m not sure what that means.”
“Keep talkin’ fancy boy.”
“Why talk when I can sinnnnngggggg in the ra…”
(BANG, BANG, BANG!)
“Ugh!! Oh God!! Oh God I’ve been shot!! I’ve been shot as I was sinnnggginnn in…”
(BANG, BANG, BANG!)
“Ow! Stop shooting me!! I’m just trying to sing in the rai…”
(BANG, BANG, BANG!!)
So the next time it rains and you’re about to grab that giant umbrella of yours to skip to work, think about poor Gene Kelly… lying dead in the gutter.
Have a great day!