Engaged

A friend of mine came into work on Monday morning and announced that she had gotten engaged to her longtime boyfriend over the weekend.

Here are ten things that I did this past weekend.

* * *

1.

I concentrated on not going to the bathroom because I was out of toilet paper.

That lasted twelve hours before I was forced to go to Walgreens. The cashier remembered me from my previous visits and in front of a large line of people asked, “What, no ice cream this time?”

Then she waited for me while I went back and got some.

* * *

2.

I returned home from Walgreens and pulled open my refrigerator, only to have it tip over on me because there was nothing inside.

I put some old novels in the freezer and crisper drawers to weigh it down.

One of the novels was Fyodor Dostoevsky’s, The Idiot.

* * *

3.

I found the switch to my garbage disposal.

I never knew I had a garbage disposal, so it scared the shit out of me.

* * *

4.

I spoke with a drunken man named Derrick outside of a bar in the Northern Liberties section of Philadelphia.

Derrick was 70 years old and wearing a crumpled white tuxedo complete with tails. When I asked him why he was dressed so elegantly he responded, “I’m dying of prostate cancer. The doctor said I’ve got three months to live, so what the hell else should I be wearing?”

Derrick is awesome.

* * *

5.

I wore a tie out to dinner because I was missing a button on the shirt, and then wore a vest over the tie because the tie had a stain.

I may need to go shopping.

* * *

6.

I ordered pork fried rice but couldn’t remember which was bigger – a pint, or a quart.

It turns out a quart is bigger.

And I ate all of it.

* * *

7.

I took an envelope that had been sitting in the lobby of my apartment building for about three weeks.

I had waited a sufficient period for someone to claim it and since the address had been handwritten I assumed it was personal, meaning potentially interesting or scandalous or filled with birthday money. It turned out to be a thank-you card for a wedding gift. A toaster. It was boring, so I threw it out.

The next morning someone rang the buzzer to my apartment, and I hid in the dark for 20 minutes.

* * *

8.

I tried to clean my bathtub.

When I looked underneath my sink I discovered that I had two bottles left over from the previous tenant – a jug of bleach, and something with blue liquid in it. I decided to pour them both into the tub at once.

That was not a good decision.

* * *

9.

I fell out of bed.

Twice.

I don’t remember the first time because I woke up on the floor, but I distinctly remember the second time because as I was falling I groaned, “Not again.”

* * *

10.

The tenth thing I did this past weekend was not get engaged.

 

2 Comments

Filed under apartment, dating, desperation, douches, drinking, Guy stuff, love, madness, ouch, Philadelphia, Sean goes insane, Sean is an idiot, Sean's fridge, shopping, shower, sleeping, women

2 responses to “Engaged

  1. This is so amazing Sean.

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