Please Leave

* * *

As a bachelor, it’s a tricky situation to get a girl out of your apartment the next morning. You’re scared because you know what’s at stake – if she stays, you’ll have to talk to her.

It’s important not to panic.

Always try to avoid getting into the situation before it becomes an issue, and opt for the girl’s place whenever possible. That way, if there’s an accessible fire escape or strong bed sheets available, you can leave whenever you want. Plus, girls have a nicer bed (with pillow cases!), a nicer bathroom (with a door!), and nicer refrigerators (with stuff inside!).

But if you’re absolutely stuck, remember that there are 10 simple ways of making a girl leave on her own accord, thus avoiding anything difficult, like emotions or honesty.


* * *

The Wake-Up

“Mmm, what a great morning! We should go to the park or something.”

* * *

1. Become a Meteorologist

“Not unless you want to get struck by lightning and die.”


“There’s a 67 percent chance of thunderstorms today. I’ve heard people lose control of their bowels when they’re struck by lightning. Can you imagine that? So basically, if we go to the park, there’s a 67 percent chance you’ll poop yourself and die.”

“67 percent?”

“Yeah, also the gulfstream is all crazy and a high pressure system is pushing in from Canada and global warming is raising water levels so the, um, penguins are migrating due south and…”

“Haha, okay. Maybe we can catch a movie instead. Oh, I really want to see The Amazing Spider-Man! I’m sure it’s playing somewhere nearby.”

* * *

2. Become a Movie Critic

“Hah! Summer blockbuster? More like summer “lackluster.” Don’t believe the marketing – this is the same old boring origin story all over again. You don’t need Spidey-Senses to sense this flop. C +”

“Wow, I heard it was good. Okay, so we can just stay here all day! Doesn’t that sound great? Snuggle on the couch, watch the thunderstorm…”


* * *

3. Become Infested


“Yeah, sorry. I do love a good snuggle, but I have the exterminator coming over.”


“A poker game. Why do you think? I mean, he didn’t say it was definitely bed bugs, but…”

“Ew, ew, EW… let’s go! Get dressed. We cannot stay here.”

* * *

4. Become Generous

“You’re right, and I have to be at the shelter in an hour anyway so let’s get you in a cab there, missy. And remember, be sure to take absolutely everything with you.”

“Aww, you never told me you volunteered! I should really start. It’s time that I gave back to the community. We can swing by my place on the way there to get some extra cans of soup.”

* * *

5. Become Poor

“Okay. Truth time. Here it goes. You see, I actually don’t volunteer there. I’ve been evicted.”


“Yup, I’m poor. Lost my job, addicted to crack…the whole deal. I can understand if you don’t want to be dating a homeless crack head.”

“When did this start?”

“Years ago. Can’t get enough of it. Just ate some this morning.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to eat…”

“Oh, and don’t come by the shelter or anything. I’m planning on sleeping in the park, or down by the river, ya know, something with a view, preferably not too ethnic. I…”

“Move in with me.”

* * *

6. Become Religious

“Aw, babe, nothing would make me happier! But the Koran teaches that a devout Muslim man, like me, cannot fornicate with an unclean woman, like you.”

“What about last night?”

“The prophet Muhammad has a three-strike policy.”

“So you’re a Muslim crack head?”


“That’s Spanish.”

“I’m Muslim on my mother’s side. It counts.”

“I’ll convert! I’m not really that Jewish anyway.”

“If only we had more time.”

“For what?”

(sigh) “Life. I was going to tell you last night, but…I’m dying.”

* * *

7. Become…Dying

“Wait, what? Are you serious?! Of what?!”

“Lou Ferrigno Disease.”

“You mean Lou Gehrig’s Disease?”

“No, Lou Ferrigno. Apparently I’m going to get really big and green.”

“How much time do you have left?”

“They aren’t sure when.”

“Then I’m not going anywhere, mister. I’m going to stay right here and take care of…”

“Today! They aren’t sure when, but it’s definitely sometime today.”

“You’re dying today, and you’d like me to leave?”

“Yes, I think I should say goodbye to my wife in private.”

* * *

8. Become a Husband

“You’re MARRIED?!”

“We had to get married after the twins were born.”

* * *

9. Become a Father

“You have KIDS?!”

“Just the two from this marriage. The others are grown by now.”

“Okay, what’s going on?”


“You’re telling me that you’re a married, devout Muslim who is dying from Lou Ferrigno disease and about to be evicted from his apartment because he’s addicted to crack and covered in bed bugs?”

“Right, and don’t forget about the kids. And the lightning. And the poop.”

“This is completely unbelievable. I’m not leaving here until I get a straight answer from you and figure out what the hell is really going on!”

“Fine, but if you’re staying can you pass me that pack of cigarettes over there? I could really use a smoke.”

“You’re a smoker?”

* * *

10. Become a Smoker

“I’m a smoker.”

“No way, I’m outta here.”

“Cool, I’ll text you.”




Filed under apartment, dating, desperation, douches, Guy stuff, love, madness, Philadelphia, positive people, religion, Sean goes insane, Sean is an idiot, sick, sleeping, women

2 responses to “Please Leave

  1. This really is foolproof. Great advice. The only extremely unbelievable thing is that you’d have a girl in your bed in the first place, but everything else seems kosher. or Halal. Whatever you are these days.

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