Hearing Aid

* * *

No relationship is perfect, and there is often a give and take involved that allows for a balance of expectations and reality. If you ask any elderly couple the secret to their long marriage, the answer will inevitably come back – compromise.

However, there is a predominant stereotype that men are unable to adequately express their emotions, and that most fights emanate from this shortcoming. Not true! The real issue lies with women being unable to hear what men actually mean. But fear not, Sean is here.

If I’ve learned anything over my years, it’s that women love it when men explain things to them. Thus, I’ve taken the liberty of selecting a few choice moments from a relationship and breaking them down so it’s easier to understand.

Ladies, please try to pay attention.

* * *

When we ask you on a date, here is what we mean:

“Would you like to grab a drink sometime? No pressure, but I’d love to hear more about those photography classes. I thought your Instagram photo of the Brooklyn Bridge and that picture of a sunflower really showed a lot of insight. Any place you want and…wow, I have to say it – you’re beautiful.”

While this is what you hear:

“What’s your address? Not because I want to come over or anything, but I’m down if you are. It’s whatever. I really don’t even care. I’m not gonna like STALK you or anything if you say no. You’re kind of cute and all except for the nose, but it’s like, ‘This just in… guy stalks weird chick he just met at the bar!’ Haha, am I right? Nah, nothing like that. So, where? Walking distance? You like to drink?”

* * *

When we propose marriage, here is what we mean:

“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

While this is what you hear:

“The thing…I mean, the reason I wanted to…when a man loves a woman…no, that’s a song…okay, what I want to say is this…I’ve been thinking about…(burp) ugh, sorry…anyway, I’ve been thinking and…I know your dad hates me…but I already got the ring and the website said no returns…so…here. Marry me?”

* * *

When we want to have sex, here is what we mean:

“Let’s wait until The Bachelorette is over. Yes, of course I’m Team Arie. I’m just going to tidy up for a bit, maybe change the wash over. Stay in your sweatpants. Can I get you some more cheese?”

While this is what you hear:

“Hey, you awake? I took in the garbage cans like you asked. Want to put on the Norah Jones CD?”

* * *

When you say you love us, here is what we mean:

“I can’t imagine going through life without you. You’re so much more than my wife…you’re my best friend.”

While this is what you hear:

“Huh? Yeah, me too babe. Hey, is there any chicken from last night’s thing? Why do you always have to give away our leftovers? Do you really think anyone wants to drive home with a paper plate of mashed potatoes on their lap? Tell me you didn’t give them the rest of the cake. I swear to God, if there is no cake left when I go downstairs I will divorce you, and you will get the kids.”

* * *

When you ask us how you look, here is what we mean:

“You’re more beautiful now than the day we first met. I can’t wait for Nancy Bartle to see you in that outfit tonight. She’s going to be so jealous.”

While this is what you hear:

“You literally just asked me. Just now. ‘Tom, does this dress look too tight?’ Remember? And what did I say? I said, ‘No, honey, it looks fine.’ So whatever ‘pause’ you thought there was, there wasn’t one, alright? Christ. Maybe that dress is cutting off circulation to your…oh good, let’s slam things. That’s how we show emotions now? We slam things? Real mature! And yes…TOO TIGHT!”

* * *

When we apologize after a fight, here is what we mean:

“Of course your feelings are relevant. I’m going to be better, you’ll see. You were 100% right. Why wouldn’t you and Beyonce be friends in real life? I’m so sorry, and it will never happen again.”

While this is what you hear:

“Am I sorry? Yes, I’m sorry you got so upset. Listen, you just need to stop and think things through sometimes, honey. Don’t get so carried away about stuff like your mom does. I think that is what’s causing those wrinkles. Just relax. Shhh. There, all better? Now let’s go to bed, okay? And you know, it’s been a few weeks…”

* * *

I hope this clears things up for you, ladies.

 

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Filed under apartment, Brooklyn, celebrity, dating, desperation, douches, family, food, future, Guy stuff, love, madness, movies, Philadelphia, Sean goes insane, Sean is an idiot, wedding, women

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