Four Conversations

* * * 

At my parents’ house for Mother’s Day…

“Hey Mom, do you have an extra towel I can bring back to my apartment?”

“A bath towel?”

“Yeah, mine has this weird smell.”

“Please tell me you have more than just one bath towel.”

“I live alone, why would I need more than one towel?”

(sigh) “Because you’re an adult and you…”

“I wash it sometimes.”

“That’s not the point. How long have you only had one bath towel?”

“Labor Day.”



(hugs Sean and whispers in his ear)

“When are you going to meet a nice girl and get married?”

“Do they come with towels?”

“Yes, they come with towels. I worry about you.”

“And toilet paper? I’ve been using napkins.”

* * * 

At a bar, discussing my train ride…

“So I’m on the train this morning and there’s this little kid crawling all over the seat in front of me like a hairless spider monkey.”

“Ugh, I hate that.”

“I know, right? But after a while I got to thinking, if I killed this kid…”

“Like really kill him?”

“Yeah, like actually murder him. Would I be smart enough to dispose of the body?”

“On the train?”

“No, I’d wait until we got off. But I feel like I’m intellectually capable enough to do something like that and not get caught. He was really tiny and I’ve been thinking recently about why more serial killers don’t use the toilet.”

“What would they use the toilet for? Oh, and why are you thinking about murdering children?”

“To flush him. And I’m not saying I’d actually do it. Don’t you ever wonder about that stuff though?”

“Murdering a child? No. And a body is too big to flush. Even a tiny one.”

“Well obviously I’d chop it up, I’m not an idiot.”

“The child?”


“Chop it up?”


“Just clarifying.”

“The thing is, it’d just take time, right? But I like to think that I’d be patient. My biggest problem would be if a piece got stuck or something and I’d have to call a plumber. That’d be awkward. And do you tip a plumber? I never know who to tip. That’d be more of a bribe though.”

“A piece? You mean a piece of the human being? And you foresee the plumber as your biggest problem?”

“Well I…”

A stranger seated at a nearby table walks over…

“Excuse me.”


“You’re disgusting.”

* * * 

On the street, interjecting into someone else’s conversation…

“…so he tells me all this and I’m all like, ‘Irregardless of your feelings I…’”

“Not a word.”

“What did you say?”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing. ‘Irregardless.’ It’s not a word. Doesn’t make any sense. If you think about it, the word itself is…”

“Go fuck yourself. How about that?”


* * *

At the office, asking my co-worker friend about her wildest fantasies…

“Okay, wildest fantasy…one guy…he comes up to you and…”

“Zac Efron.”

“I didn’t even finish.”

“I know. But it’s Zac Efron.”

“So you’d leave your long-term boyfriend for Zac Efron? He’d come up to you, ask you to run away with him, and that’d be it?”

“I mean, for how long?”

“I don’t know, awhile.”

“Like a weekend?”

“No, longer. Like a relationship.”

“Only if my boyfriend was out of town or something.”

“No, that’s not how this works. It’s the one celebrity that all bets are off with. They approach you, whisk you away, and you’d allow it.”

“Where would we go?”

“Anywhere. That’s not the issue.”

“I’d want him to teach me surfing.”

“What? No, you’re missing it. It’s sex. You’d leave your boyfriend and run away with Zac Efron forever and be fine with it.”

“Forever? Would he sign a contract saying he would never leave me?”

“So in your wildest fantasy, Zac Efron teaches you to surf, and there are lawyers present who draw up legal documents?”

Other co-worker walks by…

“What’s going on?”

“Okay…so, wildest fantasy…a guy comes up to you and…”

“Ohh, Channing Tatum! But I’d just want to look at him.”

“This game is over.”

* * *




Filed under apartment, dating, douches, family, Guy stuff, laundry, love, madness, Philadelphia, Sean goes insane, Sean is an idiot, subway, women, work

5 responses to “Four Conversations

  1. mallorydash

    Why don’t you have a TV show? You are Costanza, Larry David, the creepy old guy from Snatch and Wendy Williams all wrapped into one. Let me know if you want me to drop off a pilot script at Showtime.

    • I’ve been toying around with incorporating video into The Witty Gritty, but it is pretty low-budget at the moment and the quality makes me look like I’m being held captive by terrorists. For real though, we should talk. And I think my pitch to the network would be exactly as you phrased it – Costanza meets Wendy Williams. I’d watch that.

      • mallorydash

        Actually we should probably throw a dash of a less-socialized/younger Louis CK in there too.

      • Now THAT is a compliment! Thanks! Let’s get another job lined up for you first before we pitch me to Showtime…as you’ll likely be fired soon after.

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